Yesterday was payday. I went through and organized the bills for the 1st half of the month and you know what? I could pay them all! I also paid off 3 that I had been making payments on for 4 months now! WOW. I even had money left over! And here I was thinking I needed a second job.
I am serious folks, I have been stressed about this...??? I laid out my bills for the 2nd half of the month and my income, and guess what???? Yep I can pay those too! WOW!
I felt so relieved and happy! I worked the rest of the day in my living room at my new place. The windows open, feelin the breeze comin through every now and then... it was so peaceful.

I just love how this program has transformed my life. I am so grateful that when I got here I was a scared snot nosed kid, who had lost it all and not only needed this program but wanted it too!
I am so grateful, because of the people in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous to learn, who God is, To learn how to recognize Him working in your lives and mine. I am so grateful that when I started applying this program to my life amazing changes in my attitude happened. I softened. I am so grateful to God for putting the most loving and hard assed people in my life when I was newly sober. I learned so much from them. How to go to meetings. How to listen. How to pray. How to read (not really read like I was illiterate, but to slow down and digest what I was reading when reading our literature) How to reach out to others. How to stop thinking about myself so much and to think of others. To do for others.To be accountable. the list just goes on and on

in 3 days, one day at a time I will celebrate 16 years of continuous sobriety!
half my life has been in Alcoholics Anonymous
I have lived and practiced this program for half my life, and not that I have been perfect at it all. And that's OK.

Despite all that has gone on lately, my heart is full of love and gratitude right now.

I am so grateful to of gotten a text from my newly sober uncle, who is having a hard time. We texted back and forth for a while this morning and he was telling me how fucked he felt but sober, and he and I started doing a gratitude list and he came back with this

" The gratitude I have is being sober through this shit" hell yea!!!

that's it from me for now

I am off to enjoy my day off today, have a soft ball tournament all weekend with my peeps, will be a good time. Bay is still with my mom,
Please have a happy and safe 4th of July

Heaven in busy

I sit here this morning full of emotions, trying to breathe, maybe the 5 shot americano doesn't help?

My heart just hurts. On Thursday morning a dear sweet friend passed away. She had been battling cancer. My heart hurts, because this woman was a friend to me, a mom to me, a grandmother to my daughter. In laws, outlaws, blood never mattered and still doesn't matter in her family. I came to their family in July 97 when I was dating her step son and got pregnant. He and I did not have the best of starts... lol to say the least. 2 young people being thrust into parenthood. From the start Sally took me and made me feel part of. It takes special people to do that. She was always a friend and a mother to me.

Dave and I didn't have much when I was pregnant, but Sally and his dad, Larry always made sure we were taken care of. With food clothes, things for the baby, and most importantly, the essence of family.Me, personally did not have much experience with family, or what it meant to be in one... I was a group home kid all my life... But they would come over and hang out in our little tiny apartment, or have us over for BBQs, and dinners, or watching baseball games... who does this... later in my life I learned lots of families do this sort of thing, and I started to as well....
Even after Dave and I split, I was still part of the family, for weddings, Easters, Thanksgivings, Christmas's, Bayleigh's birthdays, my birthday, their birthdays, road trips, shopping, lunches, dinners, coming over for coffees, baby showers... staying up all night after Thanksgiving so me Sally and Chantel could go shopping for the kids on Black Friday... lol
Time kept going and I got busy with starting another family, and they always included us too. Some people couldn't understand how you could still be close with your ex and his family... I couldn't understand how you could not.

No matter what, no matter how long it had been since we had visited, it was always easy, always a warm conversation.

Even going to see her in Hospice before she passed. I just sat with her and held her hand, and prayed over her. I thanked God for putting this amazing loving woman in my life, in all our lives. I love you always Sally.

On Thursday morning at 1.39am, surrounded by her family with so much love, she passed away.

Also yesterday my best friends mom suddenly passed away........

All this has made me really think about the people in my life today, to appreciate them, to love them, and take time with them

Christy and I were talkin about what Heaven must be like right now, I like to think of Heaven I guess, in a childlike way, that when you die, you are greeted by the loved ones who passed before you, and they all hang out and watch over us for a little while...I dont knowI am a bit overwhelmed with grief, and saddness

Tuesday

Yesterday was a very productive day... I kept mostly focused at work. I got a lot done around my house and around a friends house who really needed the help. I got to mow my lawn. OK I really hate mowing the lawn.

I don't have the fancy self propelled lawn mower like the one I had at my last house, this one you have to push yourself, lol with your whole body!!! I don't like getting gas for it, and I don't like putting gas in it... lol anyway-

I am so unbelievable busy, everyday, work, working out, meetings, Bayleigh, her friends, taxi'ing to and fro, softball... so I am not home a whole lot... well my lawn / weeds were out of control. It is part of my lease that I am to weed and feed and make my grass all pretty, and my flower beds... like I have time...??? lol Plus my lawn is kinda big for lil ol me to mow lol

So yesterday I pull out my lawn mower, and started it up, and start going. I really need a weed eater thingy too... I hate those too lol, anyway takin my big ol heavy lawn mower along the edges, where the edges have blackberry bushes, I ripped my pinky finger open and bled... lol I looked down and it hurt and I tried being tough, but it just pissed me off... dumping the lawn bags suck too lol, I have a secret compost pile, but I have to trek through bushes to get to it. Its getting awfully overgrown back there too. Needless to say I got scratched up and bit by spiders...

I really HATE spiders, I hate their 8 long legs and I hate that they BITE. I hate em I hate em!!!

I got bit smack dab on my forehead and have this HUGE lump that itches, I got bit on my elbow, which is now swollen to the size of a softball... and it itches too!!!

I really hate mowing my lawn lol, but 2 hours later I was done, and it looked really nice, though I didn't look so hot, lol all bleeding and swollen lol

The only cool thing about mowing my lawn is I got to do some reflecting on my sober life, so even though I was hatin mowing my lawn, I was also overwhelmed with gratitude. So many lessons, so many gifts WOW

I hope you all have a great day!!!

I am here.

It has been awhile, and I don'tblame you if you don't come to this page.

I have just been going through life and not feeling like I have anything productive to write...

In the last few months it has been a blur, just suitin up and showin up. That is enough sometimes

I have been still living one day at a time,

I have been getting up working, sometimes not the best of my ability

I have been a mom, and I feel its not to the best of my ability lately

I have gone to meetings and just listened

I have ran but have mostly walked lately

I have played ball inning by inning and letting go

I have just been going through it.

I am grateful, that I have this program in my life today

I am grateful for the awesome people God has blessed me with that are here for me and love me unconditionally

I am so grateful to work from home

I am grateful that summer is here

I am grateful for our little kitty, I sure miss my dogs

today, gonna drink some more coffee, get my work done, work out, take care of my yard, hang out with Bayleigh and just be... it is good to just be

Have a great Monday everyone

trudging through it still

Its crazy how easily I'm thrown of balance these days.
I'm working hard at staying aware, and talkin to people, because I may be just a bit sensitive
It was a rough weekend, we had a softball tournament out of town and normally have a blast, this time, not so much, kinda stressful
I did hit a good meeting out of town, and left there feeling so grateful to be clean and sober and have this program!
I have really had a hard time focusing really on anything... softball, work, meetings, housework... I guess its normal? I'm just being aware and making an effort to do what I'm supposed to do
My mother in law is riding my ass a little bit. I have not kept in good touch with her lately, just distancing myself... since the last post she bid me farewell... but not really?

Miss my step kids
miss my dogs
mad at my ex, as he is just doing everything... NOW
grateful for this clean and sober life, and program of recovery
grateful for the real friends in my life that I can be totally real and vulnerable with... I HATE BEING VULNERABLE... I feel so exposed and I know I can trust these people
I'm grateful my mom took my daughter for the weekend and kept a few more days, needed the break...
meetings, meetings, meetings, that's where I'm at.
This too shall all pass

.. whenever we had to choose between character and comfort, the character-building was lost in the dust of our chase after what we thought was happiness.
We could actually have earnest religious beliefs which remained barren because we were still trying to play God ourselves. As long as we placed self reliance first, a genuine reliance upon a Higher Power was out of the question. That basic ingredient of all humility. a desire to seek and do God's will, was missing
12x12 p 72

gettin out of my head

I started off awesome this morning, all feeling happy.

Then a little bit later, something started happening. I started thinking about...

my soon to be ex husband, who is taking MY closest guy friends to the Mariners Game today. I mean HE didn't want anything to do with them or ME for the last couple of years. WHY NOW? lol really it comes down to fear and self for me. Right now I can not really pin point why it was bothering me so much but it did

THEN, talked to one of my best friends, and got my little feelers hurt because she had to get off the phone abruptly

AM I sensitive right now? YES.

I went to my home group for the first time last night in 3 weeks and it was OK, I still felt uncomfortable but it wasn't as bad. I have been going to other meetings.

Tonight my daughters father is supposed to come and get it and I am looking forward to a free weekend. Meetings and fellowship!

I, as always, am still working on balance of my new life. Balance, of Bayleigh, work, meetings, fellowship, working out, cleaning house, and cleaning house, prayer... hmmm prayer seems to be eluding me... maybe that's it right there?

Anyways, I am kinda still all over. I am working through it.

Gonna meet with my sponsor soon and get out of my head

Gratitude for the day

The people in my life that GOD truly blessed me with.

the strength God has given me to endure everything I have endured, and when I look at it as a whole, its pretty amazing... GOD that is.

For my beautiful daughter who is 11 now and good at it!

for our little kitty Selina, she is crazier than me lol

for sunshine. WE are getting sunshine for the first time in a week annnnd its gonna be 70

the people in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous

tradition 5

freedom from bondage

steps, 3, 11, 10, 12, 6, 7,2, 4, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 1 lol

for the wisdom of AAers back in the pioneering time, who realized that they could help even more than low bottom drunks, like me, who was a scared snot nosed kid, who is forever grateful for this opportunity to be clean and sober and practice these principals in all of my affairs, the good, bad and ugly, easy times and hard times, perfectly and imperfectly

gratitude lists

distracted???

tired and sore, mowed my lawn yesterday and it kicked my ass. LOL I did take it EZ the rest of the day, only because really I wasn't able to do anything else lol and my lawn looks like crap lol I couldn't get the levers to lift the blades so its too short lol wow, maybe that's why I am so sore lol

I am so over tired and not focused this morning, I am gonna take Bay to school get a coffee and hopefully that will help?

I am really getting excited about Richland coming up. Its a softball tournament that is over in the Tri-Cities. its good to get out of town with a bunch of friends, and play clean and sober ball. I have picked up 3 new moves while swinging and WOW what a difference! I am a ball smasher now lol I knew if I figured out the right physics I could do it lol

Bayleigh is doing a lot better this week. YAY today she has her little buddy coming over, and I hope she stays on her best behavior

My mothers day was good. It was quiet. I bought myself the new Pink CD and love it! Went to dinner with a friend and his mom and step dad, and it was very nice. It was a nice day too.

OK gonna try to get to work now