Today New Moon Comes Out! This was my favorite book of the series! I am sooo excited! Me, Keith and Bay are going to see it tonight!

posting late today, been really busy at work

feel happy, hopeful and peaceful today!

Happy Friday!

Yesterday was sooo much easier and better!

I am totally sleepy this morning and can not focus. I have not smoked yet this morning and usually by now I would of had 2 smokes. My lungs hurt and they feel tired, and physically I do not want to smoke, BUT DAMN I AM BITCHY!!! SO watch out! LOL I am hoping this will get me to quit again

I would love to go back to bed right now and I might, if I did I would have to work later, which would put me behind the rest of the day...

Last night me and my boyfriend, (lol he reads my blog and is like... you call me sweetie??? what?? you never call me that) which is true I don't. I call him a lot of other sweet things, I love him, most of the time I call him Baby.

Last night after we bowled we stayed up late sharing stories about ourselves. I really am surprised, pleasantly surprised, by this wonderful man that is in my life, and how much love I feel for him. I was not expecting this at all! I am so happy!

We have been seeing each other since April. Which was right after I moved out. Didn't plan it that way. People I know have already criticized and judged me. I already have gone through the whole fun, of being hurt by peoples words, and them telling me what they think I should ans shouldn't do, and some of it I even would probably say to someone who was in the same situation... The timing isn't perfect I know this. BUT, and I don't care what anyone says anymore. I really love this man.

To me, this man gave me my heart back or helped it thaw out and come alive again. Words just can not explain.

While my marriage was ending, it was very lonely, and confusing time. I was really lost and it really changed me dramatically. I was tortured with guilt, because I couldn't understand how someone (me) could change so dramatically. How could my husband and I go from loving each other to barely wanting to be in the same room together. I will go into it in the next blog.

Then I met Keith. I really believe God puts people in our life for a reason. I just know what I know. I know how I feel, and I am inspired and excited again!

today is gonna be a busy day lots to do at work, and after

I am grateful for this sober life that I have been given

have a great day all!!!

Alcoholic Mind making simple shit hard

Does anyone else ever get overwhelmed with normal day to day stuff?

On a day to day basis, I have a lot on my plate. I do the best I can. I know that is all I can do.

I know I can do more if I slow down and take it one thing at a time. I know I can not do it all.

I sometimes fall short, and miss something important, or misplace something, or miss a dead line, either at work, in service work, or a bill. I probably have too much on my plate.

I try hard to not beat myself up over these things. BUT I cant help but feel like I failed, and for some reason that bruises my ego, or not really bruises, but more like mangles my ego...?

I am working on balance. Its probably gonna be something I work on forever. There is 24hrs in a day. I am a mom, a girlfriend, a friend, a sponsor, an AA member, I have 2 service positions, and I am a worker, I take care of my house, my bills, groceries, help with homework, a pet, a stray cat, a blog, family, oh and my self.

I am overwhelmed with a bunch of things. The trick for me is to, make a list, try to not get overwhelmed at the size of my list, prioritize, and do one thing at a time. I work on feeling good at what I can accomplish, and be kind to myself with the things I can not. Asking for help does not come easy to me. Especially if I think it is something that I should be able to handle alone, which on my list is everything. Something has to give here. Not sure yet what it will be but something has to. I need to get better at asking for help and saying NO.

It gets self defeating when I have too much, and I fall short.

My brain is attacking me today. Yesterday I had a mishap at the grocery store, its not really a big deal and I had to fight hard to not stress. Bayleigh had a F.R.O.G group after school so she didn't have to get picked up til later, I ended up working late, when I went to pick up Bayleigh from school traffic was bad. My house work and dinner were behind, I had to go to the store for a few items for dinner. I had to have dinner ready by 5 so I could get ready to go to the meeting. The store was crazy busy, we got our stuff and stood in line forever to check out. As I went to pay, I could not find my ATM card, I was embarrassed as I looked at the huge line behind me, all the people staring at me. I was thinking that they were all looking at me like I had no money. I had to tell the clerk I would be back. Bayleigh was pretty good about it though.

As I drove home the line of traffic made me anxious, because time was ticking away there it was 445. I felt like there was no way I could go home look for the card, drive back, drive back home, make dinner, get ready and go to a meeting. I would have to get the groceries after the meeting.

Well I get home I can not find my ATM card either... aaaaaaaah trying to NOT panic, I retraced my steps, and I could not find my card. I called the store, they had it. WHEW!

Trying to not panic and be grateful it was found, I drove back down the long street of commuters trying to get home, 20 minutes to the store. I get there the guy was so nice. Because while I was home I tore my purse apart looking for my ATM card that I left my drivers license on the counter and thank GOD he didn't ID me before he could give me my card back...

How could I be so careless??????? I rang up everything again and paid. YAY, drove home, kicking myself for being so careless. I dropped it my ATM card, left my ID on the counter at home, had to make 2 round trips to the grocery store, sit in traffic, I just didn't have time for this!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH.. where was my brain? How come I am so scattered? Whats wrong with me? Quickly telling my self I was hurrying and trying to be kind to myself, I finished dinner, burned the potatoes, kicking myself because, I burned the potatoes... POTATOES...???? really?? how hard is it to make a potato!? Now had to remake potatoes, Reminding myself I am just hurrying and to slow down, and shit happens, but still mad at myself... I showered and went to the meeting. It was OK, but my mind was still whopping me! Dinner was not ready by 5, we at 8 because we waited till after my meeting. My boyfriend was really sweet and didn't complain, but he did raise an eyebrow at me for loosing my ATM card... uugggh!

The rest of the night was fine and let it all go, it all cuz shit happens. Stayed up too late, because there is soo much to do and be... lol (ssssiiiiiggghhhsss)

This morning I get up, go get me and my boyfriend our coffees, get him up, make lunches, make breakfast, start working. In the morning we do our daily meditations together which I love. He ran out to his car to put his lunch box and gear in there and came back with a $5 bill which he found on the ground... AGAIN??? I am dropping money now??? UUUGGHHHH!

He then tells me how important is it to be careful with my money and my ATM card and ID. I am mad and embarrassed, because I know this, and now he thinks I am idiot??? (this is my head telling me this not him) I get defensive and try to hide it from him, that doesn't work, and he is like what is the big deal??? BUT he is making it a big deal! Doesn't he know I am really good at kicking my own ass for stupid shit like this... but really he isn't putting me down, just feels like it because I am so upset with myself....

So this whole morning has been spent on me telling myself how unorganized I am, how much I need to do, and button up, and get together, and how I can do it all better, and my brain is going and going and going.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH stop the insanity!!!!!

I am 33yrs old for heavens sake!!! I should have my shit together better than this!!!!

I then remember, that I do. I just have moments here and there, sometimes big and sometimes so small, that just throw me off!

I still feel allot anxiety, but will do my best to accept this is OK, and remind myself to sloooowwwwwwwwwwww down, because that is hard for me to do... and just breathe...

I know that was a long post, and if you skipped through some of the paragraphs that's OK...

It is Wednesday and only 8.04 am. The sun is shinning, which I love. I am sitting in the stillness from my living room taking a breather before I jump back into work, and I am grateful for that. I am clean and sober today, and have a GOD, a program and good people in my life.

Starting my day over because I can, turning it over.

thanks for being here blog, whether anyone reads this or not lol

have a good day all!

peace:)

I think the storm outside is passing, the rains and winds have calmed down. Looking out my window, the sun is coming up and the sky is calm and grey. Typical Pacific NW day lol

Tonight is the women's meeting. I have really grown fond of this little group and the women there! It was been so nice to have a place to go, and to be, where I can share and grow, outside of my regular home group. See my ex husband still goes to my home group, and we have a lot of mutual friends, and I haven't felt comfortable sharing there. I am grateful to say, that going to other meetings has helped greatly, and I am back to being able to share at my home group!

I am grateful for all the tools laid at my feet, and the willingness to use them, it feels good to be more on the other side of the pain. I got to practice faith and trusting the process. Oh it was uncomfortable as hell! But I just walked through it, OK, sometimes I was kicking and screaming... but I kept a forward motion non the less! I am really grateful for this.

I am so proud of Bayleigh. Her attitude has improved so much over the past months! She has worked hard in school and is keeping all A's and B's and 1 C! She is sticking with the trombone and I can tell she is even proud of herself! I just love looking at her and being taken aback at how much I love this girl!

Love feels so good in my heart!

have a great Tuesday!!!

short

Today, high wind warnings, followed by even stronger winds, and severe rain tomorrow... YEP that is November in the Pacific NW. Bayleigh and I love storms, we always pray and ask God spare peoples lives and homes, so kinda feel guilty for liking storms. But they are exciting. So I kinda cant wait lol...

I had such a good weekend. Me and my sweetie, got up Sat, afternoon... (up too late the night before) we got up, got our coffees, packed an over night bag and hopped in the car, and ended up on a ferry to Bainbridge Island... just a quiet little island across from Seattle, nothing to exciting about it, but it was nice to get away. Stayed in a nice little suite. Got up Sunday morning, found a little place to have brunch, and watch the game, read the paper, be together... :)

Then we came back across the ferry and back into Seattle. He showed me where he grew up- his childhood home and schools. I love getting to know him, hearing his stories, watching him tell them lol. He is very animated! I laugh a lot with him lol.

It was a typical Seattle day lol grey and rainy but we didn't care, we just bundled up got some starbux and wandered and looked in shops on the waterfront, held hands...just nice. :)

Finally home, made some dinner and went to a great meeting last night on the 11th step... got home later than I would like but it was worth it.

Anyway gotta get back to work

happy MONDAY

comes back around

The above is a picture of a cute little flower pot Bayleigh and I bought when we first moved into our new place. We both just really loved it and felt like trying to do little things to make our new place a home for us. Well, I wanna say back in August maybe? it was stolen. OHHH I was sooo mad! And there was a trail of flower petals, at first, I thought it was our next door neighbors, who is a crazy young lady with 2 "bebes kids" but the petals led past her house to the street. Bayleigh and I followed them out of our coldasac and down the street, then the petals stopped. Well I started knocking on doors! I was so mad that someone had to steal a flower pot off of my front porch!!

After the second house and talking to the lady of the house I realized I was over reacting, yea it sucked, but I don't need to go around the neighborhood like a crazy lady pounding on doors demanding to know where my flower pot was...

A month later Bayleigh made friends with some neighborhood kids, and one of which confessed that her little brother had stolen the flower pot and had given it to his Grandmother and said he bought it for her a garage sale. hmmmmmm

By this time, I was over it... and thought, no, its not right to steal, but I don't wanna make a big deal out of it anymore. Well Bayleigh and this girl have become quite good friends, and play together regularly. I have learned this little girl and her little brother, live with their great-grandparents, and their mother is in jail. I have some compassion and sympathy for them. The little girl is a sweet heart. I have met the grandparents, and they are just some cool old skool grandparents, who are trying to raise their great-grandchildren...

Last night we were in and out a bit, and upon returning the to the house finally done with our errands, there it was, back on my porch.... a little cracked, but it even had the same flowers in the pot... somewhere in between errands, I imagine the grandparents found out and made him put it back... or maybe because this little girl and Bayleigh are friends, she just felt it was right to do...sometimes things have a way of working them selves out, even with out my help...

Happy Friday all!

Haapy Haalf Naaked ThursdAAY lol

mmm now that's some good coffee!!! and I love my beautiful mug my sweetie got me! I love Sirens!

I hope HNT catches on again! Its fun...posting random pics... sometimes, well a lot of time we got really creative! I will try to be more creative next week!

We overslept this morning... slept through all 5 alarms! WHOA!

Oh well, I got up, made some lunches, got meh coffee, did some prayer and mediation, got the Bay up, and the day is going! It did start a little stressful, but I just took a breath and let it go, just was late this morning, not the end of the world. -Thank GOD!

Bay had the day off from school yesterday. It was nice, I had to work, (I work from home so I got to be with her) We had lunch together, and I got done pretty early so we just hung out the rest of the day, doing chores, watched a movie, just hung out laughing, talking. I love that little girl to pieces!!! Her big thing right now is telling me she is not a kid anymore... she is only 11! lol I am blessed with a good girl!

We bowled last night (on a league with some of our softball buddies) We have 2 teams that are clean and sober. But the whole league is not. Sometimes watching the drunks is real interesting, but most of the time, they are cool people. Last night I bowled 49 over my average my 1st game- which my average is only 108 lol and 2nd game was 16 over, and 3rd game was 6 under lol. it was fun! -well I better get to it!

Today is gonna be a good day! I hope you all have one too!